My mother is finally living close to me again. I spent three hours with her every day for the last four days. She's in a new facility near me, with sunny days/better weather. She has options for so much more than where she was. She has Parkinson's. But she is so miserable, unhappy, anxious, lonely, all of the time! ALL OF THE TIME. It doesn't matter if I'm around. It doesn't matter if kind people introduce themselves to her. She's not making friends easily due to being so "Eeyore"-- I am sure. Her family doctor at home stopped being willing to change her anti-depressant medication because she kept asking for a new one. Kept questioning if they were working. They finally gave up and said no more new ones until you see a psychiatrist. Which she was on a waiting list for. I'll try to find one here. But sometimes I just want to give up. I don't see her enjoying one iota of life anymore. Everything is "too much", everything is awful. I thought being closer to me would actually improve her emotional well being. It hasn't changed it a bit...
You cannot change her unless she decides to change, perhaps talk to staff in facility how to get her involved in anything, did she have any hobbies, interest before, little step to get her involved in anything at this point and otherwise it is not your job to make her happy.
The best thing is for you to have your happiness intact or not impacted by her misery. When I look at my Mother I know, I don’t want to be like that.
She does have depression and needs consistent care from a psychiatrist - preferably one that specializes in geriatrics.
It can take weeks for a psychoactive medication to show "results." Every person have his or her own special recipe - the combination of medications and dosages that work for him or her. It will take time to find out what is your mom's special recipe of psychoactive medications.
Patience! Enjoy what you can. Help mom to see what she can be grateful for daily.
If you can afford it, decorate her room with cheerful posters, flowers and plants, and one goofy but beautiful stuffed animal. If you can, play old show tunes like South Pacific, The King and I, Damn Yankees, Guys and Dolls, My Fair Lady, Sound of Music, and Camelot in the background. Get an aromatherapy diffuser diffusing a very light lemony fragrance. Do all this as much for you during your visits as for her.
I had the good fortune, as crazy as that sounds, of learning from two people who suffered from this horrible disease. One dealt with it with grace, humor, a leveled head and a never ending curiosity about life. The other made the Tasmanian devil seem like Shirley Temple. I wonder which I'd be if I were in those most hope-sucking, heartbreaking shoes.
Even though you are going to frequently feel like an unappreciated daughter inevitably it will end. Work on keeping yourself leveled. Get mani/pedis. Go for walks. Take deep breaths often and know that because of your empathy, patience and help you will add to what makes for an admirable person.
This is going to be tough but you have to be a warrior and a hero.
i’ll try some of your suggestions myself :).
Also, you could try just watching TV with her without conversation. And, as others have said, don’t visit so often.
It will be difficult but she has to do some sort of excercise! Perhaps her doctor cold mandate that to her. My friend rose above her depression by participating in PD boxing, walking and more. There is so much evidence that being active helps depression and even movement in PD. Has she been evaluated for dementia?
When you visit walk with her outside for a starter. I have been very depressed since my stroke and my husband passing. Excercise works!!!
and i wish you to recuperate well, dear, kind antie9.
I feel for your mother. That is a terrible disease! It's so much more that just shaking.
Robin Williams took his life due to a form of Parkinson's so you can imagine how bad that was. Not to frighten you hon. I would have a chat with the doctor and be specific. Tell him what you shared with us. Talk to any family you might have and see if they can visit more often.
You are very special and I am so glad she has you!
Temper
Yes it sounds cruel and mean but you have to learn to love you first. That is really the key to loving (and sometimes tolerating) the rest of the world.
So sorry you are going through this but I wish you health and peace on this often difficult journey.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/expert-answers/clinical-depression/faq-20057770
Yes, please do seek out a Psychiatrist near you who specializes in this area.
https://www.parkinson.org/Understanding-Parkinsons/Symptoms/Non-Movement-Symptoms/Depression
just to add 1 thing.
some people:
what makes them happy IS complaining. THAT’S what gives them joy - and in particular complaining to YOU and about YOU.
(1) sometimes:
one might think the person is miserable, but they’re not - their whole joy is based on being negative. this means they’ll tear down everything you say/do.
(2) but, sometimes, someone is truly miserable.
you have to see which category they’re in. (1 or 2)
If everything the OP is doing for her mother makes absolutely no difference in that person's misery, complaining, and negativity then she should stop doing for her and even stop visiting her altogether. At least for a while. Why make yourself miserable and crazy being around such a person when there's nothing you can do to help them?
My own mother is exactly like you describe and it almost ruined my life. I can say I really don't care if her misery and negativity is genuine or for sport. I do for her as a caregiver. She gets placed the minute I decide to stop, and she knows it. I tolerate zero complaining to me or about me. I don't include her in any part of my social life. My do-nothing sibling visits her once or twice a month and takes her out a few times a year. That's literally the least she can do. There is no "venting" to me about anything. If I sense some instigating or snide complaining starting up, I walk away and totally ignore her. I make sure she gets her meals, medications and anything else she needs. Besides that we really don't have a lot to do with each other. This is the only way I can make it work with her.
There are far more simple and healthy things you can do. Like a cup of chamomile tea. There are of course other things you can do too. Essential oils like bergamot, lavender, clary sage, grapefruit, ylang ylang are said to help.
Getting her to be more active both physically and mentally is important. It is good that she is closer to you so you can help. But she is still stuck in a place that she thinks is the END OF LIFE. Not a place she wants to be (nor would you). I always recommend people try to have in home care. Some of these places are neglectful and abusive. I hope she is not in one of those.
She needs to know she has family that cares and loves her most of all! Please let her know this! I am sure you do! But keep reminding her.
i agree.
many of these drugs create exactly that which they’re supposed to stop.
of course OP, speak with a doctor, ask their opinion.
and also, never cut cold turkey.
That being said, I find things like exercise and social activities being good antidotes to loneliness and depression, but a person has to have the will and the way to do them.
Why not raise the problem to the nursing home and see if they have an activities or recreation therapist who could check in on your mother. Maybe they could persuade her to join an activities group or gentle exercise class.
Perhaps pills are not the right thing and socializing and exercise are.
You might take your mother for trips out of the nursing home, if nothing supportive can be found there, and take her to a senior center where they have gentle exercise classes and activities. 2 hours doing that might beat 3 hours of sitting with her.
It sounds like she is still suffering from depression unless that has been her personality all along.
There is a Parkinson's personality type. Is she that type? You can look that up easily.
I would definitely look into a geriatric psychiatrist.
Elderly tend to be grumpy. No one likes being old, in pain and not able to do for themselves, and realizing they are getting to the end of their life.
Id get a 2nd opinion to make sure she is on the proper dose. Depression is common in elderly.
You also have to learn to let the grumpyness and complaining go. Not take it personally, and stop trying to make her feel better or fix it when she brings it up. You can't. Change subject. Dont answer. Talk about something else. Don't take it personally. Easier said than done of course. And it starts making you depressed! If the complaining gets to be to much, cut the visit short. She will learn that you are not the dumping ground for complaining. Say when your in a better mood, I will be back. She will then learn to complain less. And don't feel guilty for cutting the visit short. You are teaching her she cannot treat you bad bc you are a relative. You keep boundaries with other people. You can have healthy boundaries with her too. Good luck.
In my opinion my mother has an undiagnosed personality disorder, and the Parkinson’s made it worse.
She won’t even take antidepressants bc she says why should I take something to make me think my life isn’t sh!t when it is. It’s always other peoples fault.
Then proceeds to make everyone miserable.
That’s the only time she seems to be enjoying herself.
I finally stepped away but it took a real toll on my health.
Next time you visit, stay briefly, don't listen to her long rants about her miseries. Pick up your things, give her a hug and tell her you'll be back "Thursday."