My grandma has become very verbally and mentally abusive towards my mother, her full time care giver. I thoroughly believe my grandma is showing signs of dementia, my mother moved to a different state to care for her mother and has been her full time care giver for years now. As of the last couple years, however, my grandma has become extremely verbally and emotionally abusive, even almost physically as of late. She’s now insistent that my mother is taking advantage of her even though she pays her nothing and my mom is there every moment for her. As of today, my aunt (that’s only ever been concerned with my grandma’s estate) text me and told me on Monday my grandma was going to have a lawyer start eviction proceedings!!! It’s like something out of a bad movie, my grandma is treating the person that loves her most like a piece of garbage. Two of my mother’s sisters are just inflaming the situation because they feel like they stand to gain from it but seem to have no actual plan as to her future care if my mom isn’t there. I can’t stand by and let my mom be mistreated, what recourse does she have? If she does get evicted can she sue for back wages being that she was never paid? That may sound terrible to ask but the situation is that dire. Any help would be most appreciated, the sooner the better.
They can be an advocate for grandma to get the help she needs. If I were your mom I would just figure out a way to get out of there. Mom deserves better than this. Leave grandma's care to the twisted sisters.
If no one has PoA for your gramma, that's a whole different story... if your mom is able to get your gramma to the doctor and request a discrete cognitive exam and she is diagnosed with dementia, then your aunts can't force your mom out -- they'd have no legal authority unless they have guardianship of your gramma (also requiring a lengthy legal process, and expensive). With no PoA no one in your family has any legal authority to act on your gramma's behalf and must instead pursue guardianship. If they don't, then the county can come in and get it, in which case your family no longer has any control over your gramma's care: where she resides, her medical care, or her assets. Find out if either aunt is PoA. If they say they are, demand to see the original PoA documents. If they don't produce it, they probably aren't PoA and your mom can ignore them but the family will still need to figure out who is going to manage gramma's care and affairs.
Basically if Mom was to move out, could Grandma care for herself? Cook, shop, clean, bathe etc? If no, Grandma either keeps Mum as carer, get in paid Aides or will need to move into AL or NH. She may not be able to reason her choices - just knows she's angry. Getting old is tough.
Mom has controlling sisters that are out for what they can get. If Mom has a place to go, I would not even wait for eviction I would move out. Then these woman can find out what your Mom puts up with on a daily basis. I bet they won't put up with it and put Grandma in a NH which will use up any money she has.
I have a feeling that Mom has always been the child that Grandma and her siblings took advantage of. Really, has it all been peaches and cream between Mom, grandmom and siblings. I bet not.
Who is the POA? IS there a POA for health care and financial?
To be frank, with the sisters, I would notify them I will be leaving in a month, and I would leave. Time for them to take on caregiving.
Lots of unanswered questions here. With POA and diagnosis of dementia none of this really has to be considered as anything but ramblings. But without a diagnosis, and with no one having POA, this can be problematic given the sisters. I wouldn't put up with it.
Your mother hasn't been paid any wages. So she cannot be suing for back wages, and likely the wicked sisters would sue for back rental. I mean that is how nutsy this stuff can get. One is better out of it completely.
Hope you will come back and answer questions about WHO here actually has any power to do anything. And hope you will update us on this bad situation.
I'm sorry that I always seem to bombard people with a whole load of questions instead of just offering sympathy; but the answers do make a difference, so here goes:
How old is your grandmother?
What sort of cancer has she survived?
How many years has your mother been her caregiver? - and what have your grandmother's care needs been?
What is your mother's own source of income, and what was it before she moved in with your grandmother?
What does your mother want to do?
My grandma is 80, she’s a lung cancer survivor and she has severe COPD that requires frequent oxygen except (has to take it everywhere with her.) Depending the day she can barely walk without getting dizzy and severely winded. She doesn’t cook, run errands, pay bills, shop, or clean (except for her room sometimes.) She washes towels daily (something to do I suppose as as she cannot handle being still. She can’t stand the idea that she needs care and resents my mother for it so it seems. My mother has been her care giver for the last 7 years but as of late my grandma has become very abusive and combative, no one is exempt from this treatment but my mom gets the worst for sure because she’s trapped there with no income and my grandma knows it, she’s become the epitome of ungrateful. My mom had just been laid off from her job in Tn when my grandma was about to have her first surgery (unrelated to cancer, shoulder surgery) and has been there ever since. My mom can’t take it and would love to leave but she has no income and hasn’t applied for disability for herself yet. She also can’t stand my husband whom I’m trying to leave presently as well so the timing couldn’t be worse.
Two things to mention, not sure how either would get done:
Your mother needs to make a plan to leave. You mention she's applying for disability, but what was her original job? - wouldn't she be happier if she could get a foothold in the marketplace again?
Your grandmother needs her head scanned. Literally. If her behaviour has deteriorated sharply, this should be reported to her oncologist.
I think your mother needs now to leave. Flat out full stop.
She should, if she feels her mother is incompetent in her own care, and feels no one will followup with her mother, report to APS that she has been forced out of the home and that you mother may now be an at risk Senior. APS will check on her and her care.
It's time to move.
And no, she cannot sue for past wages. She did not charge and the Mom did not pay. She has been living there rental free. There was no contract for payment. It is too late now.
To be frank we see this over and over again on the forum, people giving up their living quarters and their jobs to care for people, and years later cut absolutely loose with no job and no home. Take your Mother in if you are able and have her save some wages from the job she will need to get (she's likely a pro at caregiving now).