We are encountering difficulty in accessing information about our aging mother from one of the four children who is providing primary care for a high functioning 92 year old parent. We are concerned that our mother is being manipulated and influenced financially and we would like to ensure that her funds are intact for her to access when and if her needs escalate to the point where she needs alternate housing. Are there resources available for us to explore that would aid in our accessing information so that we can verify or dismiss our concerns?
If the primary caregiver perceives that she's doing more for your mother, has less free time, and the balance of care isn't proportionate among the siblings, I can understand why she doesn't want to provide information: she may feel that she's too busy to keep uninvolved siblings informed.
This is just a possibility though, based on the numerous complaints of others in similar situations.
What I would is this:
If the balance of care isn't proportionately equal, address that first. Find ways to provide relief for the primary caregiver, and ways that those not physically close can help.
Ask the primary caregiver specifically what help she needs, and find ways to provide it.
Also raise the issues of your concern about manipulation and financial influence and give her a chance to explain and defend herself.
You write very articulately, and I think you could express your concerns equally as well. Many of the posts of similar nature reflect friction and hostility among the siblings, but I don't sense that in yours. I think if you work together to get everyone's feelings about sharing the responsibilities out in the open you might find that the primary caregiver is overwhelmed and resents being questioned and challenged.
If on the other hand you have legitimate reason and documentation to support financial influence, that's different, but I still would give her the opportunity to defend herself before bringing in outside resources.
That also addresses the issue of whether the sibling is operating under any kind of DPOA or other agreement, and has a legal obligation to maintain privacy of your mother's financial affairs. What's the status on this issue?
Try to find resources within your family first; bringing in outsiders is only going intensify any existing feelings of resentment.
What makes you think that funds are being mismanaged? Is Mom helping this sibling out with groceries, with some rental (as it should be) or what?
The siblings who are NOT doing the care, but ARE doing the questioning I would like to ask a few questions of, myself.
What support do you give the caregiver? Do you offer money for groceries, rides to appointments? Do you take offer respite care, taking your high functioning Mom on trips, be they one day or over a weekend? Because if you are doing these things a whole LOT, the three of you, I would think that the 4th person who is doing all of the care would be grateful, would sit with you and discuss plans for care now and in future, cost of care presently and who is paying for it, and etc.
Do understand that every single second that your Mother is in the care of this one sister doing all the work is a single second that adds up to one month free of the cost of 5,000 to 10,000 PER month.
Now, I am certain you will tell me all the many many things you do to help. I hope so.
You need to know that your high functioning Mom has chosen the sister she wishes to be her caregiver (and possibly her POA?). You should know that that sister has no obligation to share a single thing about Mom's finances with you that she doesn't wish to, or that Mom doesn't wish to. You should know that her only duty of reporting is to a court if she is court appointed. That if she is ALSO made executor after your Mom's death (ANOTHER awful job) then she will have a duty to beneficiaries legally according to the laws of your State.
I am really sorry if I sound harsh at all. I am certain you and your other siblings must do an awful lot to help the one doing the hands- on care (and possibly the nightmare of POA). But you haven't said so. You seem more concerned with judging what she IS doing, without giving us a clue as to why. It is indeed important for Mom to have care funds should she need them, and to understand gifting rules and so on. Why not discuss these things with Mom and other sis together.
Perhaps just let us know how you help in this situation, and let us know what you feel is being mismanaged.
Again, sorry if this seems harsh or rude, but the one thing I see on the "forum" that is a pet peeve for me is "Siblings at War". The parent always ends up between them and their egos and their angst and their often enough flat out meanness. And the parent is fragile and frail at the time they are being used as a turkey wishbone. So whenever I smell siblings coming with complaints about other siblings I have a tendency to go off the deep end. Forgive me if I have done so here, I beg of you.
Some very bad experiences here I see. I would hope that you would not your own bad experience, however, be your only guide in your efforts to help others. Not all questions are accusations, secrecy is damaging and defensiveness is revealing.
To those of you whom responded reasonably and helpfully, thank you. I have already explored most, if not all, of those options and for various reasons they have all failed.
I am not here to plead my case nor to convince any one of you of my righteousness. As you can see by my original post that I am more than willing to have my suspicions assuaged. Assurances can not achieve what information and openness will.
In any event, I simply came here for direction to resources. Your anecdotal experiences, while unfortunate, do not mean that financial abuses do not occur and they do not mean that I should not ask questions, although it would seem that that is exactly what many of you are advocating.
I think I'll just move along, but thank you all just the same.
Be careful how you judge, it's a glance in the mirror.
These situations are sticky and frustrating, you say that your mom is high functioning, that means that APS is going to say that she can spend her money any way she wants. Will she not tell you if you ask?
One thing that I see repeatedly is that siblings don't agree that a parent should be contributing to the household they are living in, not saying this is your case, but parents are trying to pay their way and their children are concerned about their money for future care. As long as she is not gifting large amounts she should be able to qualify for Medicaid if she ever needs care.
There really isn't much that can be done in these situations. A senior isn't protected until they have been declared incompetent and that requires a judge to make that determination, it is not an easy declaration to get.
Best of luck, I really hope that your mom can answer your questions and put all of this to bed for you.
When you say you are encountering difficulty in accessing information about etc.: what do you want to know? What response are you getting to your questions?