When she's around us ( home) she's all doom and gloom but as soon as she sees someone other than the home people, she gets all smiley and bubbly as if all is well. As soon as they leave its depression and rudeness and frowns and meanness. is this normal and how do we handle it without feeling the same feelings?
My husband’s grandmother was an awful mother to my MIL. Why? I have absolutely no idea because her mother, my husband’s great grandmother was very sweet.
My precious MIL said that her mother had been mean all of her life. My MIL would pray as a child that her parents would get divorced so that her dad would be happy.
Back then divorce wasn’t common and he died a broken man from this domineering woman!
There aren’t enough words to tell the pain that this woman caused for others. She had zero empathy or humility. She lied like a rug! She was harsh and abrasive and downright arrogant.
She never once owned a thing if she was confronted. Sadly, she went to her grave as a miserable woman without any apologies to anyone. She died completely alone because no one could stand to be around her anymore.
Whenever someone took her to the grocery, the bank, the doctor, the pharmacy, the hair salon, wherever, people always thought that she was good as gold because she showed her very best side to others. They reserve the crappy side for family members! Sad but true.
It makes sense though, because they can’t p*ss everyone off, because then they wouldn’t have anyone on their hook!
Never respond to bad behaviors with attention. Ignoring is the way to go. Don't give them what they want because the bad behavior will only get worse.
I don't neccesarily buy that we treat the people we love the most the worst. I never did.
Never respond to bad behavior with attention from a child or an adult.
It's like a dog begging at the table. If everyone keeps giving him a taste he never learns to go to his own bowl and let the people eat in peace.
When the meanness and rudeness start up do the same, only tell her once that her tolerated and if she wants to continue living under your roof she had better knock that crap off right quick.
This is the response a parent gives a teen brat acting up. It also applies to a senior brat. Do not engage with her. Do not speak to her. Do not even stay in the same room with her.
Please stop tolerating this behavior from her. It has to stop and if you don't nip it in the bud now what will happen is the gloom and doom, the misery and negativity will turn into manipulation, fight instigating, abusive neediness (which always results in losing independence), and slanderous "storytelling" villifying you to anyone that will listen.
I was an in-home caregiver mostly to elderly for 25 years. I have seen many a good DIL, actual daughter, and grand daughter (it's almost always women) get real trouble in their lives because a nasty, spiteful senior wants to behave abusively and can showtime and storytell well enough to get someone in real trouble. I have seen this happen to good people who were doing right by their elderly relative or client.
You putting up with this crap stops today. You and your husband together confront your MIL about her behavior when there isn't 'company' around and that neither of you will have it. That either she cleans up her rude, mean, negative, gloom and doom act or she gets moved out of your house into a care facility. If she is too far gone with dementia that she can't understand you, start looking into placement for her. The two of you need to make your meaning very plain that if EITHER of you ever catch her "storytelling" and villifying you to anyone, that the arrangements to place her happen that very day.
I don't know if your MIL has an actual diagnosis of dementia or if you just think she has it. Have her tested. Observe her behavior carefully. Many times dementia is not to blame for the bad behavior.
My mother was exactly the same way & the prime reason I would never take her into my home to live with us. She & dad went directly into Independent Living then into Assisted Living when they needed more care, and then mom into Memory Care after dad died & her dementia worsened. It's the only way for you to 'handle' this matter without feeling the same feelings! If you were to go for a drive every time MIL acted up, you'd be living on the road. My mother was on the max dose of Wellbutrin for her depression, and STILL she was miserable 90% of the time. The 10% of the time she wasn't miserable was when she was performing for others who weren't her family members.
Why ask 'why'? Just DO something about the intolerable situation that exists and will never be 'fixed'. Some things in life just aren't fixable.
My condolences on your situation. Wishing you the best of luck in removing your MIL from your immediate surroundings.
You and her daughters need to learn the following:
Shut the hell up. I will not help you if you behave disrespectfully to me.
Then walk away and do absolutely nothing for her. Totally ignore her. Let her get a taste of what life is like when no one does a damn thing for her. You'll see how much the complaining and snideness gets reduced when her crap is no longer tolerated and no one will play her games.
I learned well from my aunt on dealing with snide and nasty elders.
My grandmother complained incessantly. My aunt was a good woman and took care of her mother well. When grandma would get snide and nasty about meals for instance, my aunt would pick up her plate and throw it in the garbage. My aunt was a great cook and my grandmoter loved to eat, so she quit the snideness and complaining over the meals.
I do the same. My mother used to complain and be snide about meals. When she'd start up, I'd throw her plate in the garbage and you can go hungry. Meals are no longer a source of complaint for her. I do not tolerate abusive behavior on any level and I do not play games.
If you and the other people who are caring for your grandmother start putting your collective foot down about how much you're willing to take from her, she will stop.
Neither behavior was intentional, in my opinion. My mother struggled mightily to appear "normal" when others were around, and of course, my daughter was an infant with none of the ability to manipulate people with her behavior.
Feeling miserable when you're sick and elderly is the norm/ The company manners are the aberration, so try to be sympathetic that your MIL isn't experiencing her happiest years.
As my own MIL once said, "You know, the 'golden years' aren't really all that shiny."
The MIL not being in the prime of her life anymore is not reason to excuse her abusive behavior towards the person who has to do for her.
Not being in her "happiest years" anymore does not entitle her to ruin the lives of the family and the home with her abusive negativity and neediness.
Many people will disagree with me on what I'm going to say and that is fine. I respect that.
If someone can showtime well enough and be all bubbly and upbeat for "company" they can treat their own family who does for them with some level of respect and decency.
They should be fully deprived of any and all attention when the rudeness, misery, gloom and doom comes around. If someone can put on "company manners" they still have control of their actions.