Have you found that your relationship with parents, or the person you are caring for, has been irreparably damaged?
I have parents who have always been kind of self absorbed, and they treat me like a servant. They don't seem to care about whether my health is hurt or if I have to postpone things I want to do to accommodate their needs. I wondered if other caregivers have had their relationship go beyond repair? Siblings think that they were always just wonderful parents and that I am the problem. "Why OUR childhood was just perfect, so why were YOU so unhappy?" Of course they rarely do anything, and when they visit, parents are all sunny and bright. Everything is just FINE, they say. They used to say that they 'hated to call on them,' but no problem with me running to every 'emergency.' When siblings do actually do something, it's like a competition. Sometimes I just refuse to do things. In addition, siblings claim they don't know how to do anything ( because they never had to) so I end up either having to hire something to do simple repairs, or I just have to learn how to do it myself.
Like the show used to say, 'can this relationship be saved?'
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He got called out, constantly, by his sibling and other family members for being a "moocher". His career suffered, his long term relationship fell apart. His mother died first and father was moved to Memeory Care and then a VA nursing home, where he thrived for several years after his wife's death.
My cousin (the caregiver/moocher) committed suicide this past week.
I wonder how much of his despair stemmed from the broken-ness that resulted from his attempts to keep his parents in their home and the subsequent family issues.
For the most part, I took care of her grudgingly, due to the lack of decent alternatives. During the last weeks of her life, though, this changed. I'd have to say she changed. She was like a sweet baby - loving, cheerful, grateful for everything I did. It was the most intense and profound experience of my life. I can't say that's common in such a fraught relationship, but it's what happened between me and Mom. Because of that, my memories of her are mostly positive, and I'm not nearly as angry and bitter as I might otherwise have been.
I recall a friend who had a many years partner who she did EVERYTHING for. My friend fell very ill. The partner did nothing for her and then left.
She went to a shrink and the shrink said "You taught Kathleen what you are and what you do, and what you expect of her (nothing)". Now you are sick and you want her to care for you. YOU are the one who broke the contract. She is out of there."
Sad, isn't it? When people Martyr themselves to others they hope people will say "Oh, you are so good to do that" or hope the one they do FOR will say "I love you so much". But nope. It will just become the norm. The expected. And WOE the day you say you can't do it. Because YOU will be the one who broke the contract.
With my mother who has short term memory problems with MCI but not true dementia (at least yet), the relationship has also changed because she isn't able to read and discuss books or local politics much anymore. Some days we can talk about a newspaper article she read earlier but most often she has forgotten the article by the next day. We talk more about old photos and people who died when I was a child now that we did before her memory issues. Even though I provide direct care for my mother, our relationship hasn't really changed that much, maybe because Mom's base personality hasn't changed much either. Maybe because I have more choices and accept responsibility for my own decisions. I choose to have Mom live with me so I can care for her. Mom isn't making me miss ballgames or nights out with friends and family because she didn't make that choice, I did.
A lot of caregivers are in a situation where they don't feel they have choices and are dealing with someone where a disease has totally changed their base personalities. My first real job out of college developed into a situation where I didn't want to work there any longer but really needed the job because of my debt (student and auto loans) and lack of any savings. It took a couple of years to pay off the debt and get a couple months living expenses saved. At that point, I felt I could walk out on that job because I could make enough to cover my normal bills working as a Kelly girl until I found something better. The situation at work hadn't changed all that much, but the amount of stress it caused me was dramatically different. Just knowing I could walk away any time I chose to made all the difference. I believe that sense of being "trapped" makes very difficult situations much harder.
My relationship with my mother was irreparably damaged because of the expectations she put on me and her devaluing of my contributions.
Yes it can.
Unless too busy, living
your OWN life.
it sounds like it’s time to step back & let them help out but watch out when you do because some siblings are vindictive & will retaliate against you. When that happens relationships cannot be saved.
Irreparably, there are too many variables to answer that question. For me, no. Not irreparably. For others, perhaps. Depends on the circumstances.
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