Have you found that your relationship with parents, or the person you are caring for, has been irreparably damaged?
I have parents who have always been kind of self absorbed, and they treat me like a servant. They don't seem to care about whether my health is hurt or if I have to postpone things I want to do to accommodate their needs. I wondered if other caregivers have had their relationship go beyond repair? Siblings think that they were always just wonderful parents and that I am the problem. "Why OUR childhood was just perfect, so why were YOU so unhappy?" Of course they rarely do anything, and when they visit, parents are all sunny and bright. Everything is just FINE, they say. They used to say that they 'hated to call on them,' but no problem with me running to every 'emergency.' When siblings do actually do something, it's like a competition. Sometimes I just refuse to do things. In addition, siblings claim they don't know how to do anything ( because they never had to) so I end up either having to hire something to do simple repairs, or I just have to learn how to do it myself.
Like the show used to say, 'can this relationship be saved?'
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He got called out, constantly, by his sibling and other family members for being a "moocher". His career suffered, his long term relationship fell apart. His mother died first and father was moved to Memeory Care and then a VA nursing home, where he thrived for several years after his wife's death.
My cousin (the caregiver/moocher) committed suicide this past week.
I wonder how much of his despair stemmed from the broken-ness that resulted from his attempts to keep his parents in their home and the subsequent family issues.
My relationship with my mother was irreparably damaged because of the expectations she put on me and her devaluing of my contributions.
I recall a friend who had a many years partner who she did EVERYTHING for. My friend fell very ill. The partner did nothing for her and then left.
She went to a shrink and the shrink said "You taught Kathleen what you are and what you do, and what you expect of her (nothing)". Now you are sick and you want her to care for you. YOU are the one who broke the contract. She is out of there."
Sad, isn't it? When people Martyr themselves to others they hope people will say "Oh, you are so good to do that" or hope the one they do FOR will say "I love you so much". But nope. It will just become the norm. The expected. And WOE the day you say you can't do it. Because YOU will be the one who broke the contract.
it sounds like it’s time to step back & let them help out but watch out when you do because some siblings are vindictive & will retaliate against you. When that happens relationships cannot be saved.
For the most part, I took care of her grudgingly, due to the lack of decent alternatives. During the last weeks of her life, though, this changed. I'd have to say she changed. She was like a sweet baby - loving, cheerful, grateful for everything I did. It was the most intense and profound experience of my life. I can't say that's common in such a fraught relationship, but it's what happened between me and Mom. Because of that, my memories of her are mostly positive, and I'm not nearly as angry and bitter as I might otherwise have been.
Irreparably, there are too many variables to answer that question. For me, no. Not irreparably. For others, perhaps. Depends on the circumstances.
With my mother who has short term memory problems with MCI but not true dementia (at least yet), the relationship has also changed because she isn't able to read and discuss books or local politics much anymore. Some days we can talk about a newspaper article she read earlier but most often she has forgotten the article by the next day. We talk more about old photos and people who died when I was a child now that we did before her memory issues. Even though I provide direct care for my mother, our relationship hasn't really changed that much, maybe because Mom's base personality hasn't changed much either. Maybe because I have more choices and accept responsibility for my own decisions. I choose to have Mom live with me so I can care for her. Mom isn't making me miss ballgames or nights out with friends and family because she didn't make that choice, I did.
A lot of caregivers are in a situation where they don't feel they have choices and are dealing with someone where a disease has totally changed their base personalities. My first real job out of college developed into a situation where I didn't want to work there any longer but really needed the job because of my debt (student and auto loans) and lack of any savings. It took a couple of years to pay off the debt and get a couple months living expenses saved. At that point, I felt I could walk out on that job because I could make enough to cover my normal bills working as a Kelly girl until I found something better. The situation at work hadn't changed all that much, but the amount of stress it caused me was dramatically different. Just knowing I could walk away any time I chose to made all the difference. I believe that sense of being "trapped" makes very difficult situations much harder.
I think what is shocking to me is how much more selfish they have gotten. They act like, since they brought me into the world, that it is my BOUND DUTY to look after every aspect of their lives. Doesn't matter if anyone else is sick - only that they feel bad. I've noticed this in other elderly people - if a younger person has a disease, 'well, it's not as bad as being elderly!' It's like if you say that your back is hurting, they pay no attention, they just start telling you about their achy knee or they have a bruise. Told them the other day - a bruise won't kill you!
I guess I expect - because I would be this way - that someone who is looking after you and keeping you out of the hospital, would get treated a little bit better and with some gratitude. I know that I would be grateful. I don't take it lying down, I do complain about it and sometimes I get mad about it. Their expression doesn't even change. It does something to your spirit to feel like you are nothing but an employee. I don't think I can summon completely loving thoughts for them without also feeling really let down.
On another note, my cousin gave up his career to look after his affluent partner. Did extensive handicap renovations to the home, changed his diapers, etc. When the will was read, my cousin got absolutely nothing. Everything went to a charity. Cousin died in hospice two years later.
I doubt it gets better, I’m reading only worse. Thankless doesn’t describe this, it’s the worst job with the worst employer without pay in most cases, so we have to praise ourselves and our selflessness but trust me...that only goes so far for me. Hugs from California
Theres always one that does the lions work whilst others are praised for making a phone call. I cared for a great many years whilst siblings went on several holidays a year whilst being too busy a lot of the time.
I did it it because I believe in doing to others as you would have done - if you were in their circumstances. There’s no one to care for me but I’m glad I took the time to not only deal with their physical needs but try to get them to laugh or smile several times during every day.
I know what it’s like when your own health is bad, to work 8 hrs then a further 6 caring during work times then 24/7 care when they couldn’t be left alone, when you have to cancel arrangements and plans at a moments notice, when it feels like it’s all on your shoulders and having to deal with sudden repairs etc. It was bloody hard but I don’t regret or begrudge a single moment. And I’m definitely no saint just in case that is how it comes across !
If you are struggling and your siblings live close by, then you need to start allocating a shared care rota - start by putting times you can care and pass it on. Any gaps left - you’ll need to jointly decide whether you need to have help in. Say your life circumstances have changed and you are busy - and don’t be on call during times you are “busy”
if they don’t live close by, then again, tell them what times you can care - and discuss what help can be obtained to cover the times you are no longer available. If they evade it - either get help in if needed or see how your parents manage without you on hand at certain times. You’ll have to be firm though - whatever the problem. Get a list of repair contacts, and other essential numbers, including care help, leave one with your parents and siblings and have those numbers to hand in case they contact you so you can give them those same details.
I hope you are able to get a compromise that enables you to enjoy the times you are caring, and have some quality of life too. Be kind to yourself, you are equally as important.
Yes it can.
Unless too busy, living
your OWN life.