Hello, my 94 year old mother never planned for her old age nor did my father. Fortunately, she had money to properly bury my father. Now she just has her SS and my father's pension every month. It helps pay our high rent and my SS helps pay for groceries and my own bills. However, the kind of funeral she wants costs 8,000.00. Neither she nor I have that kind of money readily available. No stocks or IRAs or 401ks....nothing. I'm trying to save as much as I can but unexpected things happen occasionally. I feel totally guilty if I have to have her cremated. She does have a free burial plot on top of my father's grave at the veteran's cemetery. I don't have a crystal ball to tell me how much longer she has to live. Alzheimer's I understand could go on for years. I'm a senior too and am in the same boat as my mother. It's too sad to talk about. I'm crying as I write. Thank you.
Put a bit aside to pay for it. As a matter of fact you could arrange everything now and begin prepayments so you are paying today what might cost much more in a few years.
Actually $8000 is not much if that includes the fees for opening the plot and the transportation. Cut the wake to just the day of the funeral, that eliminates the cost of the funeral home.
And shop around. Check each funeral home in the area and compare prices. Also compare cremation services.
And when my Husband died I did not do a luncheon I invited everyone back to the house and we ordered pizza (my Husbands favorite) and many people brought snacks and sweets. It was a great way to catch up and talk and relax and not have to worry about leaving a restaurant on time and the added expense of a luncheon.
If so your mom as his widow & can be buried at one. BUT not a straightforward process imo, heres our experience....,
1. FIL died last millennium, served WW2, buried at National Cemetery in Santa Fe. It’s a gorgeous site, lots of Spanish-American war & WW1 buried there, pretty fab headstones, right off the highway. But it’s full & this is an issue for National cemeteries across the US. SF is full and so not truly staffed anymore as no need to. There’s a covered memorial & FAQ area (with pretty high tech security cameras according to our tech savvy nephew) that has interactive screens to do search & map of SF so you can find your relative. When Mil died she was cremated. Bil kept the cremains till there was a date that there would be staff to actually be on site to dig an area for the cremains. It was like 5 months for that to happen. We didn’t go but bil said it was pretty perfunctory. There were other families with their cremains box. Nobody (!) was in a casket, it was all cremains.
2 when my mom died, the FH she had her preneed with is a big FH group. There was an issue with her death certificate & had a few days delay in being buried. When I met with the FH guy, he said not an issue as they had a holding area for bodies, they were holding lots of bodies. Curiosity got the better of me, I had to ask wtf why, like I understand why bodies held at the coroner office but why would a FH need essentially a big long term cooler. What he told me was that the holding was by & large veterans burial destined for Ft. Sam Houston National Cemetery. Ft. Sam is still actively doing burials with full court military as there’s bases in San Antonio. But again like in SF, there is not enough staff for this national cemetery. The burials have to be scheduled whether casket or cremains. But if family does casket, the FH will have holding fee for the embalmed body if past a certain period of time. He said Families tend opting to go cremation.
VA flat understaffed all around. The National Cemetery issues are par for the course for VA. I’d suggest you find out what the status is for the cemetery where your dad is buried. If it’s closed & full, then perhaps let that essentially make the decision that mom gets cremated. & you get a cremation preneed done, should be under 1k.
a few national cemeteries are actually run by NPS - National Park Service. I’ve been told that for those, there will be a designated FH that is registered with NPS to do burials on site. So you would have to deal with that FH only.
if dad is buried in another state, moving a body is expensive. For that situation, you again are probably better off going cremation.
good luck. & really try to have a decision made & plan in place soon. Otherwise that estimated 8k funeral could easily double. You’ll be overwhelmed and perhaps letting your emotions get ahead of your purse.
I would just tell her that this is not going to happen and move on.
“Properly bury” means love and respect and memories, not anything els. You are doing the right thing.
No guilt.
I have a brother that is around 70 now. He has never planned for the future nor worried about it. When he dies, he will have no money for any of us to use for his funeral. The way I look at it, is if he doesn't care to make an effort to set aside money or get a Pre Arrangement to help out his family when the time comes to bury him, then why should anybody else?
I have been to huge services that cost over $30,000. and a few that cost less than a thousand. One I remember with sadness was a friend's father. They had no money, the county cremated him, a minister came to the house for free and gave a talk. There were only 3 of us there. Myself, his daughter, and his granddaughter. They scattered his ashes.
When you think about it, you don't see dead bodies laying in the streets for long, the Coroner will dispose of them if no one claims them.
One of my daughter's friends died, the county cremated her and wanted $350.00 to defray costs. When her family realized she had no insurance, they turned their backs on her. My daughter and I were able to get her ashes and we had a little service for her in a park. Then her ashes were scattered.
My best friend's husband, who owned a construction company, passed. They had the service in church, and a very nice luncheon in a hall. She mixed the ashes of his buddy, a Pit Bull named Dozer, with his and scattered them on some of his construction sites and hiking trails. That way they would always be together.
My mother was cremated, we had a service at her church, a few flowers from the Grocery Store, and we scattered her ashes in her favorite spot. She didn't want any service, but I felt the grandchildren and great grandchildren needed something.
My Aunt was cremated, put in her favorite cookie jar, and buried beside her husband in a National Cemetery. Her son, had an open house at her home with photos and mementos of her displayed. Her uniforms from the Texas Air National Guard and a Registered Nurse, back when they had the cap and blue cape, were on display also. The food was catered from her favorite Mexican Restaurant. It was very moving and personal. More so than a huge church service would have been. Too, since both ladies were in their 90's when they died, nearly all their friends and family were on the other side waiting for them there (a nice way of saying they were mostly dead). In fact last year I lost my last three aunts. One of them younger than me.
My late Sister-in-Law was cremated and buried in a cardboard box with her favorite quilting fabric wrapped around it. I have a piece of that fabric and every time I look at it, I think of her.
I hope my experiences will help you see that personal is much more important than money. Please, don't feel guilty, guilt is for when you do something wrong.
As far as my own wishes, I’m working on a document with the links to the crematorium, burial at sea link, etc, so my kids can just pull up the document on my computer, and initiate contact. Will also have hard copy of instructions. Grief shouldn’t be burdened with lack of resources for somebody’s final wishes. As long as it’s respectful, do as your pocketbook and heart guide you.
When my DH passed, we had already discussed this because my father's funeral was the easiest on me - the one in charge as executrix. DH told me to do whatever was easier on me and he ok'd the cremation as he had his first wife cremated too.
We were given a plot in the cemetery as a thank you for taking care of Mom's final arrangements. When my father passed 7.5 years later, I purchased a tombstone and had it placed on our graves.
But at the moment, my DH is sitting quietly on my hearth as I decide what I want to do with his ashes. At 96+ years of age, he had already outlived his peers and most of his siblings so I didn't want a viewing (wake) held for him. A simple cremation was agreed upon before his demise. I have no regrets and you shouldn't either. Your mother will no longer be there, only the shell she lived in during her lifetime.
I agree. Much more sensible.
Why not contact the people in charge at the veterans' cemetery and work out a manageable budget with their help? You could also liaise with the relevant church or similar officials if religious or ceremonial wishes are pushing up the price.
As far as discussions with your mother are concerned, you don't have to lie; just reassure her that everything will be decently and properly done.
It is sad, and you sound as if you are stressed out not only about the funeral plans but also about managing in general. Can we help?
Look up Lakelawn Metairie Cemetery and you can see what I mean. They spend mega bucks on their ‘resting place.’ Cemeteries are a big thing in New Orleans.
Of course I know about raised graves. I was born and raised here in New Orleans. We have very unique cemeteries.
my dad has a plot next to where my mom is buried and we’ve prepaid for his burial. Still was pricey but he didn’t want cremation. Luckily he had the money. But such a waste! We will not have a fancy service. In face he will be buried without us present as it’s in another state and the 4 of us daughters will travel there for a graveside memorial at a convenient time.
The most important thing right now is for you to reassure mother that her funeral will be taken care of, even if it isn't all that she expects... as many others have pointed out, funerals are for the living... the deceased don't care.
Just give mom lots of love and comforting words, even if you have to 'exaggerate' a bit. Her last thoughts shouldn't be ones of worry about her funeral.
In reading Essie's past posts, she is certainly stressed out. She is a prisoner in her apartment because of her elderly mother. Her brother won't get involved. She hires a caregiver once or twice a week for 4 hours. She had to check herself into a mental facility because it was all so overwhelming.
Mother doesn't want to go into a facility (of course!).
We finally found a time when we could all be together and we had drinks in her favorite restaurant
We told stories. Then we went to the cemetery where my brother Michael is buried(Vietnam) and spread her ashes there . I had brought a little box decorated with
red high heels with me we put some of her ashes inside and i gave it to my sister to take home.
Simple,