Hello, my 94 year old mother never planned for her old age nor did my father. Fortunately, she had money to properly bury my father. Now she just has her SS and my father's pension every month. It helps pay our high rent and my SS helps pay for groceries and my own bills. However, the kind of funeral she wants costs 8,000.00. Neither she nor I have that kind of money readily available. No stocks or IRAs or 401ks....nothing. I'm trying to save as much as I can but unexpected things happen occasionally. I feel totally guilty if I have to have her cremated. She does have a free burial plot on top of my father's grave at the veteran's cemetery. I don't have a crystal ball to tell me how much longer she has to live. Alzheimer's I understand could go on for years. I'm a senior too and am in the same boat as my mother. It's too sad to talk about. I'm crying as I write. Thank you.
I am sorry you are struggling with this. She may not get the pricey funeral she wants. She is fortunate to already have the plot. Just do the best you can. Funerals are for the living, not for the dead. Even with it coming out of moms money, I am not going to all out. I think pricey weddings and pricey funerals are ridiculous.
My mom wants to do a pre paid funeral as she thinks if she doesn't, I will not spend they money to have the funeral my dad had. Mom is so trusting of me:).
But while my mom is not rich by any means, she has the money to do that. (I think I will just have my body donated to the med school for basically free).
But your mom needs to understand if the money is not there, it is not there. I am guessing the spot at the VA will decrease the cost a bit? If she is not able to understand, the maybe it doesn't matter. If you don't have the money you don't have the money and you cannot break the bank for her funeral only to limit your own finances going forward from there.
Your father provided her a burial space at the VA cemetery. Regardless of why she didn't contribute to her own funeral plans, you do not owe her a funeral.
At 94, she probably has few friends or associates able to attend a service. There is nothing wrong with a cheaper and more down to earth way of handling affairs. You can figure this out, she can't. When the time comes, do the bare essential to handle her affairs. That is not disrespectful to your parents. You are not lying if you say she will get as good a service as possible. The less, the better but she won't know.
It is probably in the DSMV book.
Cremation is best option and you get a lower price locking in now.
Good luck.
PLEASE STOP criticizing people. Saying OP's (or anyone else's) parent was heartless and cruel is just WRONG. You don't know these people or their circumstances, so STOP IT.
$8000 is a lot of money, I hope you can find a solution that you are at peace with.
Does your Mom understand that it will place a financial burden on you, I am sure would not want that for you. My Mom also had Alzheimers.
My husband and I have both decided cremation to be the simplest and environment friendly and affordable way to go. We do not wish to place a financial burden on any or our children. We also never had jobs with IRA's or 401k's..it's tough.
Sending hugs and blessings to you.
If a service or extras were/are desired upon death it's up to whomever has to work through this process at the time of death. So I think pre-paid cremation contracts give families more flexibility. It gives families an opportunity to think seriously about whether it's better to spend on the living or spend on the dead.
A month ago when my husband died and I was in the room talking to the counselor. The funeral home had accepted assignment of my husband's contract from out of state about 20 years ago and he did not locate the file.
I would need to give him a check or my credit card number to move forward. He would help me work on recovering the money once we located the contract.
Well, I had a copy of the old contract right in my binder and showed it to him. He took it to someone in the office and returned saying it was taken care of so I did not owe anything.
The deceased who can't be paid for will be cremated and put to rest at a cemetery for the indigents and the unidentified. I first heard this from a poor lady years ago who was telling a group about the local pauper's graves.
Though my husband and I had cremation plans in place, this story haunted me. So I asked the counselor and he confirmed she was correct.
The hurt and shame of being a pauper or stripping families of their resources happens all the time according to the funeral counselor. This is in spite of the major media coverage for prepaid plans, cremations, burial plans and means-tested programs that are options for some. But if a family has not planned, his point was, there is no option but to pay a lot upfront or forfeit the body to the pauper's cemetery.
Ever think about being in the funeral business? There was a kid in my speech class that did his ‘informative’ speech on ‘how to embalm a body.’ He got an A! The teacher loved his original, unique topic. Geeeeeez, we were totally grossed out in class that day!
He went into great detail and we learned things that I still remember and wish that I could forget.
Anyway, his uncle owned the business and he was working at the funeral parlor. He told us he was planning to go to school to become an undertaker.
Another gross thing was an interview that I heard about students who were in school for plastic surgery. A student told about her part time job which was to roll human heads on a cart for students to practice face lifts on! She went on to say that she had to cover them with a sheet in order to make the delivery. She said she pretended it was cabbage heads under the sheet! Can you imagine? Geeeeez, I would have nightmares!!!
It didn’t creep him out at all because he grew up in that atmosphere. To each his own but I couldn’t do it.
Once when I was young and needed a job I was scanning the ads and an ad for a secretary caught my eye so I called the number and the business was a cemetery. I promptly hung up the phone. Hahaha I kept thinking about ghosts lurking around. Obviously I did not apply for the job!
My oldest brother had an apartment right next door to a cemetery. I used to tease him about having ‘very quiet’ neighbors. I told him that we could crank up the music because his neighbors wouldn’t complain! LOL
Getting close to Halloween and I guess I am thinking about scary stuff.
Ive paid for my funeral there isnt going to be any party.. it will be grab the body and turn it into an urnful of ashes, no cup of tea, no silly words, just the very basics. As I came into this world without being heralded or wanted so I shall leave it.
It shouldnt be a worry for anyone.
If they don't like it, then they will just have to get over it.
I know that is easier said then done, I'm just advising you to feel okay about your decisions whatever they are.
https://www.everplans.com/articles/4-things-you-need-to-know-about-direct-burial
*Basic Features Of Direct Burial:
"Because direct burial does not include a formal funeral or any pre-funeral events, many of the costs of a traditional funeral are avoided.
The body is usually buried in a simple container, rather than an expensive casket
There is no viewing, visitation, or wake before the burial, which eliminates the need for embalming.
A graveside funeral service may be held when the body is buried: (at additional cost), or a memorial service may be held at a later date."
[Essie, I hope this comforts you & gives u a viable option 4mom].
Tiger55
There is no longer an issue about cremation in the Catholic Church anyway.
Where does that leave you? In a quandary. Because of her wishes, which she has not saved accordingly for, you may have to opt for cremation.
Contact the veterans adm and learn ALL you can about what options and support they will provide you. You might be surprised.
Are there other family members or friends that would be willing to help?
Have you spoken to your church. They often help with these kinds of things. If your not active in a church ask friends that do go to church if they will introduce you to their church leaders.
Go to the local Senior centers to see what kind of support may be available
Go to local and county social service offices to see what may available
If you have children use this as a "teaching moment" Use this to teach your children they have to create a budget to live in, they have to take time to plan their future. They have to no allow the materialistic world to drag them around and they MUST spend less than they earn. Todays young people are going to live FAR longer than any of us will. They are going to have to be smart about money when they are young so they will have a decent life in their Senior years and when they are sitting around thinking about what kind of final service they want they will know they learned from their elders and will be prepared.
I do have the resources to do a funeral and burial for my loved ones, but I would not consider spending 8K for a funeral a good use of those resources. I understand that the method of dealing with a loved one's remains is very personal and the reasons for choosing one method over another can be complex. I would rather my family take 8K and travel. they can spread my ashes on whatever vacation they take with the money. Or they can use the 8K to add to their own financial stability.
hope you don’t get a lot of crank calls,
best of luck!