Hello, my 94 year old mother never planned for her old age nor did my father. Fortunately, she had money to properly bury my father. Now she just has her SS and my father's pension every month. It helps pay our high rent and my SS helps pay for groceries and my own bills. However, the kind of funeral she wants costs 8,000.00. Neither she nor I have that kind of money readily available. No stocks or IRAs or 401ks....nothing. I'm trying to save as much as I can but unexpected things happen occasionally. I feel totally guilty if I have to have her cremated. She does have a free burial plot on top of my father's grave at the veteran's cemetery. I don't have a crystal ball to tell me how much longer she has to live. Alzheimer's I understand could go on for years. I'm a senior too and am in the same boat as my mother. It's too sad to talk about. I'm crying as I write. Thank you.
It's tough, I know. But think about it and may God grant you peace with your decision.
When my brother was cremated we did not purchase a casket.
My uncle worked at the post office after retiring from the army. He wasn’t the type to ‘retire’ and enjoyed being busy. He told us a story about a person that shipped ashes back home after cremation.
The recipient opened the box in the post office instead of waiting to open when they got home. She accidentally dropped the urn and ashes went all over. It was a busy time of day and people were stepping in the ashes.
My uncle said she started crying. They asked everyone to step aside and the maintenance person swept up the remainder and put in a box for her to transfer to a new urn. Accidents happen.
There is the option of having a private cremation then interment privately. But be careful with extra charges, make sure you see an itemized list and what you MUST do. I don’t know what she wants but you can do it nicely for much less than that
Unless you can do preplan & not pay it all at once? Perhaps a little bit at a time? Also, graveside is less expensive. Anyway, the Veterans burial plot seems like the best decision.
Hugs🤗
"I have asked to be cremated, but if my kiddos somehow get enough money together to put me in a fancy casket with satin lining and get the Mormon Tabernacle Choir to sing, I'm not going to sit up in that casket and scold them, even though it goes against my dying wish! My skin and bones don't have feelings, and after death - once I cross over, neither will I (my soul, my identity, my PERSON)."
This post got good laughs from me!!! Getting the Choir was the first chuckle, then reading how you are not going to sit up and scold them, ahahahaha....
Well, maybe you won't scold them, but perhaps you could just haunt them a little now and then...
Thanks for the laughs!
Not to worry mom, I have it covered. While it may guilt you because you know it won't be what she is asking for, you are aware that there is no way to fund a lavish funeral. Given your mother's age, how many close family and friends are still around/capable to attend a big wake/funeral/burial? You should try NOT to harbor any guilt. You are doing the best you can. You are also caring for the living NOW, you should not have to worry and feel guilt after the fact.
Currently I have no plans for any kind of service or memorial for mom. She is the last of her generation and most friends are gone or too invalid/remote to join us. It leaves me, two brothers, several grandchildren and various cousins of my generation - even some of those have since passed. We all haven't seen each other in ages! Mom is 96 with dementia in MC, so who will be attending anything for her? Also, the one thing she always used to say was 'If anyone can't come to see me when I am living, don't bother when I am dead!' We often don't see eye to eye, but I am in full agreement with her on this!
You said: "Thank you so very much. I'm now thinking cremation and a memorial service will be reality."
and
"She does have a free burial plot on top of my father's grave at the veteran's cemetery."
Make plans for this and just reassure mom you have it all taken care of. With dementia, she will likely forget and bring it up again and again. Perhaps you could make up a folder with literature and all the trappings/pix showing what a nice funeral she will have. Then she can look through it when the topic comes up and be satisfied for a while!
You might need to consult with the military service who handles the cemetery to find out what the process is. It would be better to know now than at the last minute and have to scramble to get the details at that time along with handling your grief.
For our dad, the FH took care of everything, but the parents had some prepaid (mom was billed for the rest.) She has an account with them, hopefully it is all covered at this point - cremation and internment with dad.
Shop around for cremation places, find the one(s) with the best prices and perhaps search online for caskets/urns too (I believe one has to be in a casket to be cremated, but don't know for a fact on that! Hmmm, where does one store that if you pre-order it? Or do you just "window shop" and order it when the time comes?)
Once you have a ballpark figure, save towards that. Depending on when she passes, there could be increases, but you should be close! If there's any left or you can swing more and there are any friends/relatives who might be interested, have a little memorial gathering for her - you could even do it at home to save money. Memories are the best. Funerals are for the living, but wayyyy too expensive! I certainly don't want one for me...
I would check what the free site incudes.
My sister wanted a burial plot until she found out how expensive everything was. Plot 3.5k, opening of said plot 3.5k, internment in said plot 1.5k. At that point she decided that being cremated was A OK. We never did figure out how much it would cost because she stopped the sales man from continuing with everything that she would have needed and would have had to pay for to be planted.
Me, cremate me and take me to the mountain top and throw me to the wind, cuz I am done with that body and nobody else can use whatever is left after organ donation.
His wife lived about another 30 years, and when she passed, she was cremated, and a small service at the church brought out several old friends, as well as her sons' families and me. We drove to the family plot with her ashes in the back of the car, and there were again a few relatives there. She was interred in her husband's plot.
The difference was the difference in the family situations--a middle-aged person with a lot of friends and relatives, and a very elderly person who had outlived most of her generation. Each situation was handled as appropriate for the actual situation.
Very aptly my mother has many times said 'If someone can't be bothered to come visit me when I am alive, don't bother when I am dead!'
Your plan for your own services are fine. This is what you want and you have prepared for it. What you currently need to deal with is the guilt for not doing for her what you wanted. Consider having a get together with those who were close, to memorialize her... pics, etc, have others relate stories, etc. You clearly haven't had good closure.
I am wondering why you would feel guilty if you have to have her cremated. When a person dies the body goes through oxidation. Burial is a slow form and cremation is a rapid form. You are under obligation to pay for a funeral you cannot afford. She will not be her to know what kind of funeral you are doing. And in this case guilt is one of the useless emotions there is. My husbands arrangements were $2000 total. We did not have him embalmed, We did not use the funeral cars, the hearse, the funeral home ushers. We drove our own cars, Men at our church were the ushers, etc. However, his service was very dignified and many commented on its simplicity but beauty. We used an urn his brother had made on a lathe, put the ashes in it and had a picture of his on the altar table with the urn and a bouquet of flowers.
I have spend 45 yrs. in ministry, conducted many funerals, and find myself being angry when funeral homes try to quilt families into funerals they cannot afford.
Please do what you can honestly afford and don't go into debt.
Actually, I believe that the person is no longer there once life leaves them. The person WAS the life, or, if you will, the soul - which has left the body. After that, all that's left is the skin and bones. Since the skin and bones are not the part that we love/d, for me, cremation is a good option. And without an inurnment (scattering ashes instead), it's sound ecology, not to mention Biblical. Return to the earth.
I have asked to be cremated, but if my kiddos somehow get enough money together to put me in a fancy casket with satin lining and get the Mormon Tabernacle Choir to sing, I'm not going to sit up in that casket and scold them, even though it goes against my dying wish! My skin and bones don't have feelings, and after death - once I cross over, neither will I (my soul, my identity, my PERSON).
Our town has a Memorial Society. See if yours does. A local well-regarded funeral home may be able to direct you to that. They may also be able to advise you on any other resources for those of low income. I have been doing social work a very long time and this doesn't come up too often...I imagine families chip in and find a way...but there is something in place I think for those who have no financial resources and you might want to check in with your local area agency on aging/city hall. It's very fuzzy but I think the city and/or funeral directors all contribute/take turns to make it happen. It certainly would be basic but it would be a burial as opposed to cremation I would hope.
Another resource may be your local hospice program. The good thing is they may be able to help in other ways when the time is right and you have time to research this.
Don't cry...because you know, you aren't the first people to deal with this. And as costs have gone up it is a burden too many of us will also have to face. You are brave for speaking about it and facing it. Hugs.
We finally found a time when we could all be together and we had drinks in her favorite restaurant
We told stories. Then we went to the cemetery where my brother Michael is buried(Vietnam) and spread her ashes there . I had brought a little box decorated with
red high heels with me we put some of her ashes inside and i gave it to my sister to take home.
Simple,
In reading Essie's past posts, she is certainly stressed out. She is a prisoner in her apartment because of her elderly mother. Her brother won't get involved. She hires a caregiver once or twice a week for 4 hours. She had to check herself into a mental facility because it was all so overwhelming.
Mother doesn't want to go into a facility (of course!).
The most important thing right now is for you to reassure mother that her funeral will be taken care of, even if it isn't all that she expects... as many others have pointed out, funerals are for the living... the deceased don't care.
Just give mom lots of love and comforting words, even if you have to 'exaggerate' a bit. Her last thoughts shouldn't be ones of worry about her funeral.
my dad has a plot next to where my mom is buried and we’ve prepaid for his burial. Still was pricey but he didn’t want cremation. Luckily he had the money. But such a waste! We will not have a fancy service. In face he will be buried without us present as it’s in another state and the 4 of us daughters will travel there for a graveside memorial at a convenient time.